In these homes, a high value gets placed on achievement. I think the way these kids are created sends the message: âYou’re not good enough. You need to achieve. Youâre not accepted.â
When the kids struggle, itâs especially devastating. Some kids have disabilities from being born preterm, which used to be a big risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes, parents chose an egg donor and then later found out that she had psychiatric problems. Then the kid gets viewed through that lens, which can be pretty devastating and traumatic: âYour donor is nuts, so you must be, too.â
The child grows up feeling very different, knowing they were an experiment but not getting the proper support or acceptance they need to thrive. Because there’s not a caregiver who’s like, âI get you.â There’s none of that.
In my work, I help parents accept: This is the child that you have. And I help kids accept the reality of their parents and forge a relationship thatâs less hurtfulâor build a life without them.
Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes just explaining âyou and your child are not the same personâ does the trick. Or say a teenager doesnât feel loved. I might need to clarify to them that âloveâ is not a tangible feeling, like getting pinched or kicked. It means someone feels fondness toward you like you feel fondness toward Legos or drones.
In high school, a lot of teens are linking up with half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes ones who live all over the world. It’s common in these families to have different egg donors for different kids because theyâve tried to get, say, a sporty son and an artsy daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found their half-siblings and is bonding, while your other child doesnât have a good experience with their newfound relatives? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?
I really feel for the moms. Theyâre trying to balance everyoneâs expectations and hold it all together. But itâs unfair to the dads, too. Because Iâm not sure the dads can accurately predict human behavior. They probably can predict stocks, but human behavior has way too many variables. I donât know if anyoneâs making sure parents understand that they canât test-drive a child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The kid is going to rebel. If you have a preconceived notion of how theyâre going to be, either youâre going to be severely disappointed or youâre going to shove them into a mold and itâs not going to work.
Maybe sometimes it does work, but those people donât come to me.
âAs told to Emi Nietfeld
